Real-Life Political Cartoon!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The Arizona State Legislature's Financial Advisement - F&@#!!!!!!1!!

A friend took this photo after somebody his roommate had over passed out on the floor.  Real classy, eh?

I had a photo credit here, but squareforceone is too sketchy for it to be appreciated, I guess.  ;P

- sf1

tl;dr of ‘Avatar’

tl;dr, “Avatar” — We can make violence look AWESOME when it is in THREE-DEE, but you’re supposed to think be thinking ‘oh, the horrors of war’.  Everybody in the audience should be ashamed for liking our movie just because it looks cool.

- sf1

Russia Kills the Lawyers First, Asks No Questions Later

This is the story of a plot so complicated, it took a lawyer to unravel.  And when he finally did, he was killed.

The lawyer, Sergei Magnitsky, worked out of Moscow for an American firm, and discovered that one of his clients, Hermitage Capital Management, was defrauded 230 million dollars.

It all started in 2007 when 50 police officers from the Moscow Interior Ministry raided both the offices of the law firm and the fund, claiming to be working on a tax investigation.  The officers confiscated documents related to all of the fund’s investment companies, in gross violation of the search warrant that they actually possessed.

However, my suspicion is that such seizures aren’t entirely out of the ordinary in Russia, and so nobody was alarmed when this happened.  Nobody was confused until later that year when the investment firm received a telephone call inquiring about a court judgment that had fallen against one of the fund’s Russian companies, that had, to the recollection of those legitimately involved, never been to court.

Mr. Magnitsky looked into the situation and found out that some of the Russian companies that Hermitage was invested in had been sued by fake companies using forged and backdated contracts, documents whose creation would have only been possible with the seizures from the raids on their offices.  The Hermitage fund’s companies were represented by dummy lawyers that weren’t hired by the firm, and they plead guilty to all of the charges levied against them in court.  This is where the fraud occurred; the liabilities from the forged contracts amounted to millions upon millions of dollars, and the judgment was the the companies owed that money to their clients.

Going beyond even that, the companies were effectively stolen by a murderer, who re-registered the companies under the name of one of his own.  This was done so that the companies, now run by thieves, could turn around and claim that the illegitimate court judgments had wiped out their profits, and ask for their tax money on the now-nonexistent profits to be returned.

The Russian tax authorities granted this request.  A “refund” of $230,000,000 for overpaid taxes – indeed, the largest of its kind in Russian history – was wired to the stolen company.

If this all sounds like the most elaborate and disturbing way of conducting a heist, just wait.  It gets worse.

Before the money had even been “refunded” to the stolen company, Mr. Magnitsky had, on the behalf of Hermitage Capital Management, already filed numerous and lengthy complaints detailing the frauds with three different Russian law enforcement agencies.  The agencies proceeded to pass those filings back to the police officers named in the complaints as a substitute for conducting investigations.  The police officers retaliated by starting criminal cases against various employees of the fund.

Mr. Magnitsky sent different government offices over 50 requests for information regarding the stolen companies, and managed to piece together what had happened.  The corruption was blatant, and stunning in its magnitude and reach within the Russian government.  He felt compelled to do something, so he prepared a detailed complaint about the stolen tax money and filed it with seven different Russian government agencies.

The Interior Ministry officers implicated in the complaints opened criminal cases targeting all of the lawyers representing Hermitage.  The pressure was intense, and six of the seven lawyers fled Russia.  Magnitsky remained, because he was sure that he hadn’t really done anything illegal.  He naively believed that innocence alone would be enough to win a case in the Russian justice system.

It wasn’t.  After testifying against powerful, but corrupt officials in court, he was arrested on a phony charge and spent the short remainder of his life being moved through a set of progressively worse prisons before finally dying of illness caused by conditions tantamount to torture.  The cell that Magnitsky was kept in lacked glass in the windowpanes, enabling the frigid weather to do its worst.  There was no toilet, only an overflowing hole in the floor.  Nobody ever held a gun to his head, yet his ability to survive was slowly chipped away at by a system that denied him the good health he had been in when he had arrived.

Like the convoluted way Hermitage’s adversaries had gone about their fiscal crimes, the murder of Sergei Magnitsky is similarly troubling; not only because of the evil inherent in the deed, but also because of how utterly legal the method was.

Rather than sending a hit man to his house with a gun, Mr. Magnitsky’s tormentors had him locked away in a cell.  Not one in somebody’s basement, but one in a federal prison run by a national government that operates with all of the airs of legitimacy that bureaucracies the world over do, but which happened to be run by crooks.  Smart crooks, who used the powers vested within the papers they pushed around to silence the one man who tried to get in the way of their undue windfall.

Instead of defending the lives and property of its citizens from wrongdoing and holding those who perpetuate misdeeds accountable, the Russian government has instead done the exact opposite:   it has let itself become a tool for those with criminal intentions.  In this case, it was used to move a massive amount of money from one bank account to another, and kill the man who tried to expose it all.  To anybody who had hoped for reforms, transparency, and reduced corruption from the Russian government in the 21st century, those hopes were dead before the first decade of it ran out.

Sergei Magnitsky died on November 16, 2009.  R.I.P.

- sf1

For the much-longer piece that inspired this post, click here

Another article I referred to while writing this – on WSJ.com

ACLU Brings Case Against NORAD to Civil Court

NORTH POLE, AK – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was filing a case in civil court on behalf of Nicholas Claus, a resident of rural Alaska.  ”We were recently made aware that NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, has been not only tracking Mr. Claus, but also publishing his physical location and what he is doing at any given moment to the Internet for anybody in the public to see.  This is an unacceptable invasion of his privacy,” said Diane Vicks, a spokesperson for the ACLU.  ”The information that NORAD has been publishing about this man online is very specific.  Not only are they making his exact location known via GPS coordinates and satellite imagery, they are detailing all of his activities, and even make it possible for anybody out there to subscribe to updates on their mobile phones.  It’s absurd.  Mr. Claus is not a criminal of any sort, it cannot possibly be legal or constitutional for the government to use its military might to spy on and humiliate him.  Indeed, the man is literally a Saint, for what that’s worth.  And yet, they continue to harass him by publishing this creepy, third-person Facebook news feed that the entire world has access to.  ’Santa Claus is wearing his warm winter coat’. This is none of our business.  It amounts to no less than a total violation of Mr. Claus’s privacy rights.”

Santa Claus as a Prisoner

Claus, seen here in a red jumpsuit, 'shoots hoops' with the other prisoners of the polar climate and military intelligence acquisition efforts. Image © NORAD

When asked about the potential implications and outcomes of the ACLU’s court case against NORAD, Ms. Vicks responded, “This is an issue that needs to be taken seriously.  If NORAD can use the Patriot Act and the two wars to justify spying on Mr. Claus, who hasn’t yet committed any crime, this leaves the door wide open for performing similar investigations into the activities of other holiday radicals.  I have a feeling that we will be hearing from Cupid any day.  He has a lot of intelligence related to the romantic desires of some pretty influential people, and NORAD could take an activistic approach to acquiring that information.”

Violate Santa’s Privacy Rights Here

- sf1

Science Still Has Small, But Dedicated Cult Following in 21st Century, Despite Widespread Claims That It is “Stupid”, “Boring”, and “Really Old Stuff”

The Office for University Data and Statistics reports that a small number of people are still taking science courses, despite a growing awareness that it is a self-destructive and socially unacceptable behavior.  Brenda Berdach, an employee of the OUDS, said that “our numbers showed that by 2010 it appeared that nobody would be signing up for physics or advanced chemistry courses, but there are still a few people signing up for those classes.  Which is weird.  Budgeting was hoping we could close the lab building and put the proposed recreation center expansion in it to save money on construction costs.”

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She attributes the merely asymptotic decline in science course enrollment to “this sort of cult-like mentality that some of the adherents of science have,” and claims that, “students sign up for these science courses to fulfill a requirement, and come out convinced that it should be one of the most important sources of truth and innovation in society.  When in reality, they don’t see the harm that they are doing to their GPA’s, their families who never hear from them because they are too busy doing nearly a hundred hours of homework every week, or the slow, but steady alienation caused by the pursuit of obscure knowledge under the belief that someday, they will find whatever it is they are looking for.  It can be quite ruinous, indeed.”
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Phoebe Whitman, whose older sister is a physics student, doesn’t understand Mikhaela’s preoccupation with “weird forces and stuff, like I get it, gravity makes things fall, duh, but what else is there.”  When asked what her general opinion of science was, Phoebe responded, “I don’t know, I think it’s just stupid.  Like, we did this problem in physics with a hot dog on a train.  Like, what the fuck?”  Despite Mikhaela’s protest that there was a “broader, more abstract concept to be seen there than just a literal hot dog on a train”, Phoebe continued that “it’s just stupid and boring.  Besides, like, Newton was really old.  Isn’t physics getting pretty outdated by now?  It was like, everything we did in class was really old stuff.”
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Though science has not completely been eradicated, some of its most strong proponents claim that it faces a dire threat from young-earth creationists, deniers of evolution, corporate-sponsored “studies” claiming to disprove the fact that corn syrup is unhealthy, and “the general ignorance of the public as to what even constitutes science,” said Dr. Stephen Bailey.  ”My daughter was telling me that one of her college roommates doesn’t believe in giraffes.  At first, I thought I had misheard her, but apparently, the church she goes to claims that if giraffes do exist, they must certainly be robots, because the Bible never brings them up.  I thought it was absurd, but in this day and age, who knows,” he sighed.  ”It used to be sort of an honorable thing to be interested in the pursuit of logic and reason, but now it is a task left to people who are simply not desired anywhere else in college, people with poor social skills, unattractive women, and upper middle class boys with ego problems.  It seems that the general public is unaware that it is actually possible to study science, whatever that is, for its own sake anymore.  Out of all of the people in Rachel’s graduating class, only three of them went into so-called ’science’ fields, but all as Biology Pre-Med.”
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Mikhaela admitted that, “yeah, sometimes it seems like nobody even really knows what it is I study.  It makes me feel like ripping the cover off of The Feynman Lectures [on Physics] and yelling, ‘You bastard!  You got to see the maturation of quantum physics and the development of modern computing, and I spend more time explaining that physics in no way involves ‘test tubes and shit’ or wearing a lab coat and doing ‘Einstein math’ than actually doing physics.”  When asked why she continues to take courses in the field, even though her studies will be perceived to be irrelevant by basically everybody else left alive on the entire planet, Mikhaela said, “I just want to know how things work, is that really so strange?  People think that our understanding of the natural world just came out of nothing and civilization sprang up from the ground like dandelions after a rainstorm.  That’s not how it happened.  Long chains of thought and a lot of contributions from a lot of really smart, dedicated people forged the toolbox for putting everything we now take for granted together.  I wish I could make Phoebe see that society stands to lose all of that if nobody cares how it fell into place the first time, but she just says I’m being ’stupid’ and ‘annoying’ when I try to talk to her about it.”
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- sf1

Fox News Incites Public Panic About So-Called “War on Kitsch”

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Fearing that the War on Christmas may only be a symptom of a broader social plague, noted cultural experts such as Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck have begun to raise alarms that “these same mavens of politically correctness are now declaring war on all kitsch, not just the repetitive Christmas soundtracks played in retail centers and the traditional Microsoft Word clip art that has been used in school newsletters all across the country since the mid-1990’s. Will your basement full of NASCAR merchandise, collectible plates, and porcelain dolls be affected? Stay tuned.”
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Millions of Fox News viewers who have now accidentally made aware that the art philosophy concept of kitsch existed at all are concerned that “these special people who believe that they are so enlightened as to be able to negatively judge your appearance, yes, your appearance, based solely upon some ‘abstract’ and ‘philosophical’ construct” may take issue with their lifestyles.
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Carissa Smith, 49, who recently spent almost $200 at a salon with her daughter, Grace, “so that we could both get our nails done, and these amazing blonde highlights put in”, says that she worries that, “It might be the sort of thing that they’re talking about. I mean, I know the color totally clashes with my also-artificial orange skin tone, but everybody always says men like blonde hair more, so I’ve just always gotten it bleached, and I assumed I was doing my daughter a favor by letting her start doing it early. And now they’re telling me on the news that there are people who actually think that mindlessly conforming to other people’s aesthetic standards is a bad thing. What next? I feel like they’re going to tell me that living in a pillared home on a two-acre lot looks stupid or something.”
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Others, such as freelance writer John Hayley, have responded to the Fox News campaign by screwing their horn-rimmed, ironically-bearded faces in tighter than the shelves on misassembled Ikea furniture and commenting, “Well, at least is has raised the concern of the public enough that now more people know what kitsch is. That’s the first step,” while sipping on a soy milk chai latte and wearing an argyle sweater. I don’t even need to ask. He is writing a fucking novel on that Mac, and probably was listening to the Animal Collective before I interrupted him to ask about this bullshit. Hypocrite!…
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Meanwhile, the nation’s high school and college students have been thrown into a world of confusion by the reports of a War on Kitsch. “I’m so confused,” Chris Miller, 17, said. “Am I supposed to listen to T-Pain just because he sort of has that cool autotune sound, or am I not supposed to?” Dana Cliff, Alpha Chi Social Chair, said between pomegranate-flavored vodka shots, “I feel like I just like, don’t know which stereotypes to conform to anymore. I just don’t want them to like, stop us from like, doing this to ourselves just because it’s like, easy to like, know what to do if you just like, do what other people are doing…Wait, am I making any sense? WHO WANTS TO PLAY FLIP CUP?!?!?!??!”
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Reactions from the Internet to the contrived ‘War on Kitsch’ have varied from the all-caps green_day_4eva FAUX NEWS = GEORGE BUSH THEY JUST WANT YOU TO BELEIVE THERE IS A WAR ON THE KITCH SO YOU THINK IT IS COOLER AND BCUZ IT IS GOOD FOR THIER RATINGS. ITS ALL ABOUT HOW MANY PPL ARE LISTENING to the more sporadically-capitalized lyfeisbetterpink: “well i dont care wut those guys on the tv say, hanna montana is NOT KITCH! … she is a full growen adult woman who can WEAR WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.
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- sf1

Finals Playlist

Hey y’all, I put together this lovely collection of totally inappropriate songs for this last week and a half of stress, mayhem, and insanity.  WordPress doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with my efforts to embed my playlist.com code, and I don’t have time to work around it.  So here is just a text list:

  1. Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
  2. Day N’ Night- Kid Cudi
  3. If It’s In You – Syd Barrett
  4. Thick as a Brick (Short Version) – Jethro Tull
  5. Still Frame – Trapt
  6. Shout – Tears for Fears
  7. Antibodies – Poni Hoax
  8. Dare to Be Stupid – Weird Al
  9. Hypercommunication (Alter Ego Remix) – Poni Hoax
  10. We Are All On Drugs – Weezer
  11. Brain Stew – Green Day
  12. Somebody’s Watching Me – Beatfreakz
  13. I Ran – Flock of Seagulls
  14. Trampled Under Foot – Led Zeppelin
  15. Phantom – Justice
  16. 99 Luftballons – Nena
  17. The Sky is Falling – Headnoise
  18. The Final Countdown – Europe (It’s a tradition.  I sat in the back of my calc II final whistling this as the instructor entered the auditorium last semester, and everyone was cracking up.)
  19. Christmas At Ground Zero – Weird Al

Enjoy!  Or not.  That’s not really the point.  This is just my way of expressing the feeling of having three, maybe even four, finals in one fucking day, and it’s not a pleasant one.  I would add “We Shall Overcome” to the list, but I’m not that confident.  I also don’t want to get tasered.

- sf1

has left the party

Hey bro, I know I have pretty amazing brrr pong skillz and all, but if you’re going to hang on me like that and then spend an hour talking to boring people about the football game we freaking lost, I’m going to pretend to be a lot drunker than I really am and, no, not pass out in my room, but listen to The Decemberists.  Instead of you. Because they’re better than you.

In fact, I would say that The Decemberists, rather than Lady BabyTalk, or whatever it is your annoying friends listen to, had the best release of 2009.  They went from being a politically vexing troupe I wrote off as being sort of like Green Day, but with a string bass, to being Jethro Tull, only newer, in one fucking year. And it is amazing.

Their latest work is a 17-track song (The Hazards of Love) that tells a story I can’t compress into a small number of words without making it sound trite.  Colin Meloy’s talent for writing song lyrics that are totally warped under impressively abstruse Mount Everests of verbiage is on full display, and that’s what really makes The Hazards of Love more than just a very long love song with an abduction sandwiched in there somewhere.  To some degree, lyrical talents can be taken for granted if they are coming from The Decemberists, but the group has really made great strides with their instrumental abilities.  I felt that a lot of their older songs were either too simplistic or trying way too hard to be weird from a musical standpoint, but now their use of nontraditional instruments and bizarrely theatrical touches is seamlessly integrated into the larger picture of the music.  The Hazards of Love is an ambitious enough undertaking to have a legitimate purpose for bombast and harpsichords.  Yes, harpsichords.

But it’s difficult to describe precisely how these angular, math-y rhythms and Gilmour-esque guitar licks can possibly be so good that ____________ has left the party and wants to make sure that everybody on Facebook at 6:13 a.m. knows about it.  So here is one of my favorite cuts from their new album.  The entire thing is posted on YouTube, and I highly encourage you to check out all 17 tracks, instead of just this one:

One of the rare instances where saying EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!11!!! really is merited, imho.

- sf1

Hackers Reveal Schism in Environmental Science Community

I guess if you want the tl;dr on this article, researchers at the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, England, were victims of a cyberattack by hackers sometime Thursday, and the hackers posted tons of e-mails online that reveal, according to some, that there is no unified scientific consensus on the issue of global warming.  The e-mails were loaded with nasty, unprofessional comments.  For the full dirt, click here (and it’s WSJ so you know it’s legit).

- sf1

NAZI DINOSAURS!!!

Not that I’ll ever have time to play it when it comes out, but this story about a video game caught my eye earlier today solely for featuring the phrase “Nazi Dinosaurs” in the title.

- sf1