Hey bro, I know I have pretty amazing brrr pong skillz and all, but if you’re going to hang on me like that and then spend an hour talking to boring people about the football game we freaking lost, I’m going to pretend to be a lot drunker than I really am and, no, not pass out in my room, but listen to The Decemberists. Instead of you. Because they’re better than you.
In fact, I would say that The Decemberists, rather than Lady BabyTalk, or whatever it is your annoying friends listen to, had the best release of 2009. They went from being a politically vexing troupe I wrote off as being sort of like Green Day, but with a string bass, to being Jethro Tull, only newer, in one fucking year. And it is amazing.
Their latest work is a 17-track song (The Hazards of Love) that tells a story I can’t compress into a small number of words without making it sound trite. Colin Meloy’s talent for writing song lyrics that are totally warped under impressively abstruse Mount Everests of verbiage is on full display, and that’s what really makes The Hazards of Love more than just a very long love song with an abduction sandwiched in there somewhere. To some degree, lyrical talents can be taken for granted if they are coming from The Decemberists, but the group has really made great strides with their instrumental abilities. I felt that a lot of their older songs were either too simplistic or trying way too hard to be weird from a musical standpoint, but now their use of nontraditional instruments and bizarrely theatrical touches is seamlessly integrated into the larger picture of the music. The Hazards of Love is an ambitious enough undertaking to have a legitimate purpose for bombast and harpsichords. Yes, harpsichords.
But it’s difficult to describe precisely how these angular, math-y rhythms and Gilmour-esque guitar licks can possibly be so good that ____________ has left the party and wants to make sure that everybody on Facebook at 6:13 a.m. knows about it. So here is one of my favorite cuts from their new album. The entire thing is posted on YouTube, and I highly encourage you to check out all 17 tracks, instead of just this one:
One of the rare instances where saying EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!11!!! really is merited, imho.
I guess if you want the tl;dr on this article, researchers at the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, England, were victims of a cyberattack by hackers sometime Thursday, and the hackers posted tons of e-mails online that reveal, according to some, that there is no unified scientific consensus on the issue of global warming. The e-mails were loaded with nasty, unprofessional comments. For the full dirt, click here (and it’s WSJ so you know it’s legit).
Not that I’ll ever have time to play it when it comes out, but this story about a video game caught my eye earlier today solely for featuring the phrase “Nazi Dinosaurs” in the title.
Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe…
I was doing some reading for a class earlier, my GPA fluff class. It was talking about how The Beatles “democratized” music by sort of drawing from a random array of inspirations in their surroundings, as opposed to “assuming the trappings of Western European classical music to achieve legitimacy”. At the time I just kind of skimmed it, thinking that it was overcomplicating something that should be obvious to the pop-culturally literate. But, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about how my blog started out with mmmn, relatively formal language, especially previous versions of it, and now it’s more or less written in the vernacular of the Internet.
Then I did something dangerous; I kept thinking! - How far can you push it? How far can you abstract language from the absurd, arbitary grammatical constructs of Strunk & White, and still be understood?
At some point, I’m going to answer this question. When my linguistic detours go from “expressive” to “communicating badly”, you tell me.
From facebook, immediately after the event happened:
I couldn’t remember the name of some guy who saw me earlier today and he dispensed a monologue at me over it.
“You just don’t give a living fuck about anything, and it’s obvious to everyone that you just sort of live in this bizarre, overecstatic alternate universe that nobody else understands. Whatever man, sit on the floor in the hallway with no shoes, huge sunglasses, and your headphones on just hanging out, waiting for it to be announced that the apocalypse really is going to happen in 2012 and you can start a three-year acid trip until Jesus comes… for everyone else!”
So apparently, I’m going to hell. What gives? lol
# # #
In honor of my eternal damnation, and because the last last list seems to be the only post that drives traffic to this website, I have decided to compile a new list: ”Stuff Other People Don’t Like”. Please hate me for it. According to lunatics who wander the hallways of the upper storeys of the engineering buildings on campus, the world is going to end before I get my college degree, which implies that I need a new life plan that doesn’t require one. I’m looking into trying to secure employment doing PR for hell, and I want to be able to squeeze a few bullet points for that resume out of this blog.
# # #
STUFF OTHER PEOPLE DON’T LIKE
Diet Sodas, Cough Syrup
1. Diet Sodas, Cough Syrup: We here in America love our high fructose corn syrup so much that we do “scientific” studies to prove that it’s better for you than asparatame. Artificial sugars get such a bad rap in our disgustingly obese country, that a couple of semesters ago I hastily unlocked my dorm room door and jumped over my pile of dirty laundry in a frantic hurry to get to the refrigerator: ”Asparatame! I need to get some more asparatame in me or there is absolutely no fucking way that I will ever be able to stay awake for this fucking class!”. My roommate absolutely flipped shit. ”Are you doing drugs in our room!? Drugs are baaad for you.”
I found this whole scenario to be more ironic than a cargo plane bound for Panama with ten tons of bananas; I, the lowly computer programmer, was explaining to the 4.0 junior in biochemical engineering that I was really just craving the artificial sweeteners found in diet sodas, and trying to do it without implying that I thought that the overprocessed sugars found in the beverages she consumed might be partially responsible for her constantly-expanding waistline.
As far as cough syrup goes, no, I’m not talking about robotripping; our nation’s college students lead the world in robotripping talents, though I suspect that Germany and the Netherlands could give us a run for our money on that one. I’m talking about how much real, gritty sugar cane sugar we put in the suspensions and cough syrups that our nation’s children consume at the slightest hint of a cough. When I went to Russia, my host family saw me taking Claritin and a multivitamin in the morning and assumed that I was ill; I wasn’t, but Holida came out of nowhere with a mug filled to the brim with a pink, sugary syrup and said, “YOU. DRINK,” so I did. I saw this happen elsewhere travelling within the country as well, and came to the conclusion that Russians believe that cane sugar is a perfectly legitimate cure for everything. I like this idea.
2. Calculus: When I told my high school physics teacher that I wanted to become an engineer, his response was, “Good luck with that. Calculus will be your life.” I’ve had some pretty miserable experiences taking it, but I still hold the subject in pretty high esteem. Newton’s calculus helped him to develop the laws of mechanics that Kepler later used to prove that the sun doesn’t revolve around the Earth, which, Satan, if you’re reading this, is pretty much a Christianity-shattering idea. I <3 calculus! =D
3. Cops on Segways: Stop making fun of them, people! When I’m doing illegal things, it’s a comfort to know that dodging the police can be as easy as finding the nearest staircase.
4. Ads: There’s nothing I love more than a good ad. I don’t read Vogue for the articles. I don’t read Vogue at all. I skip over all of the articles, and go straight to the dramatic photos of striking redheads in 8″ heels with their hair blowing in the fan-provided “wind”, or, better yet, shirtless male models lying on sandy beaches without the clothing they are supposedly modelling. It makes for a much more pleasant experience.
Besides, advertising is the lifeblood of the internet; for all of the shit nerds like to give marketing majors, your favorite toy is funded mostly by money from advertisers, with Facebook and Google being the most famous and successful examples.
5. People Who Smoke: I was just reading the other day in Slate about some guy living in an apartment complex whose neighbors were trying to sue him for smoking, when it wasn’t even a no-smoking property! Jesus Christ people, lay the fuck off. I don’t smoke, but I don’t know why it has become so acceptable to harass a group of people that is doing something legal.
For the record, I thought “Thank You For Smoking” was a wonderful movie. If I wasn’t already working on becoming Satan’s PR woman, doing one of the jobs the sleazy blonde guy’s friends had would also be a highly desirable position.
6. Douchebags. On Friday night, I got drunk with my pretentious intellectual nerd friend, and the leftover booze is still sitting in my refrigerator. He was telling me that for Halloween, he was going to go out with his hair spiked up wearing shutter shades, an unbuttoned cotton shirt, and pants with his boxers hanging out. I thought this was hilarious at the time. Then on Saturday night, he was doing homework. I was crossing the street back to my apartment with a bag full of groceries and one of the people he was describing that I didn’t even know asked me if I wanted to go out to the clubs with them, and I said no, mostly because I didn’t even have my purse or anything with me. I chatted with them for a while, but eventually wanted to get back and eat, because I was very hungry. ”Douchebag” A asked for a hug. Well whatever, I was okay with that. I leaned in to give him a hug and he picks me up and twirls me in the air. Guess who’s winning the nerds vs. douchebags war now? Not the people doing homework after 9 p.m. on a Saturday night.
7. Huge Auditorium Classes: I’ve never understood why private schools hype up their small class sizes. In small classes, you have to pay attention, because by the end of the semester, the instructor knows you. If it’s a subject that I am completely disinterested in, which is most of them, I don’t want that to happen. I want to be able to walk in with 30 seconds left until the start of the lecture and spend an hour and fifteen minutes on the Internet, with the only interruption being the occasional clicker question.
8. TV Preachers and Salespeople: Why do people think they need to watch intentional comedy? There is a reality far more real than any of the contrived ‘reality’ programming on VH1, and far more hilarious than any generic sitcom ever could be. You can find it on any network that airs religious broadcasting, especially late at night, or QVC and its many less-famous clones. Sunday afternoon is usually the most fruitful time to scan the TV networks for irate Southern Baptists and people selling useless kitchen gadgets. Tune into Food Network on a weekday to see the best of both worlds.
9. Projects; Specifically, Alan Parsons and Manhattan. One day my boss went on a tear about how much he hates his Technology and Society class. It was YouTube worthy. ”I’m so tired of hearing people talk about how the world would be such a wonderful, awesome, and magical place if only we could uninvent the nuclear bomb! WE CAN’T UNINVENT THE NUCLEAR BOMB! Do these people understand what other technology has come out of all of this weapons development, and how much worse the Cold War probably would have been without them?!” Short answer: No, people do not understand why nuclear stockpiles are necessary. Except maybe Rush. Maybe Rush understood.
10. Muammar al-Gaddafi: This man gets a bad rap for being tied to the bombing of a German disco, but if it was merely an assault on poor taste, I have a hard time finding a problem with it. Besides, Gaddafi was rocking the whole “I’m On a Boat!” look waaay before it was ever cool. Truly, a man who has proved to be far ahead of his time.
11. Airports: Okay, paying $10 for fake Chinese food sucks, but overall being in airports is generally a pretty cool experience. Moving sidewalks! Cool people from obscure foreign countries! Long layovers in random cities you will never see much else of! Exposure to weather outside of Phoenix, however briefly! Lots of well-dressed, interesting people about to leave and go elsewhere! Shops selling all sorts of weird, overpriced, gimmicky stuff! Copies of SkyMall that people have accidentally stolen from the planes and left in the seating areas! … What could be better, honestly?
12. Messy Rooms: I just don’t understand our society’s collective paranoia about messy people. Things can be disorganized without also being dirty. Whether or not a room is messy has very little to do with the value of what is being produced therein. I am blogging on the floor with several dirty coffee cups, a Russian dictionary, my cell phone, a mountain of CD’s, papers, binders, cookies, and a box of paperclips. My roommates are polishing up their pristine little boxes they call bedrooms and listening to awful music. When I am finished with this, I will do math homework, and they will probably still be working on finding new surfaces to clean. Barf.
13. Unaltered Dairy Products: This is sort of like item #1. We do everything we can to squeeze the pleasure out of drinking milk by making it with soy or turning it into ’skim milk’, and for what? America is still fatter than it ever has been. People in foreign countries don’t have 20 different ‘percents’ of milk to choose from at the grocery store, yet they are still skinnier than us. I’m going to continue to drink whole milk until the stores quit selling it because I’m the only one who buys it.
14. Jazz, Obnoxious Saxophone Solos: What do you think I write depressing blog entries like this to, Lady GaGa? No, fucking Birdland. (Actually not really Birdland, I just know that it’s quite possibly the only jazz song you would ever recognize by its title.) Jazz is awesome. I find the idea that people can be just making stuff up and it still sounds good to be fascinating. I like all varieties of jazz, from cheesy ‘Weather Channel Jazz’ all the way to the most avant free jazz fusion stuff.
I don’t actually know any of these songs, but this article infuriates me: 10 Great Songs Nearly Ruined By Saxophone. I think more pop music type songs should have sax solos. The world would be a better place if they did, I’m sure of it.
15. People Who Just Don’t Give A Shit. If you have failed to adequately vex your intended targets with the other items on this list, fear not, you have one final recourse; simply quit caring. Even people who are clearly raving lunatics will despise you if your apathy exceeds theirs. There’s nothing more fun than just not giving a shit. The mad hallway wanderer was right, I just don’t care. He told me his name again, and I still don’t remember it, because I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.
I would attempt to persuade you to pursue a life of hedonism and irrationally-driven accomplishments, but that would violate my apathy and make my previous statements logically inconsistent.
This isn’t some tinfoil hat stuff – is that really what you think of my fashion sense? I’m offended. No really. Spoooooooooooooooky (heh heh heh). Read this.
All right, so I found this gem of a conversation browsing on YouTube one night and it has been entering and exiting my inbox ever since with a unanimous vote of ‘hilarious’. lovemuffins88, every time I see another human, I secretly hope it’s not you. If it is you, you should be ashamed of yourself; please, do yourself a favor, and close your browser now before you find a way to fail even harder on the Internet.
From the comments to the video for the song “Misirlou”, which was made in 1963:
lovemuffins88: this song is such a ripoff of toby keith. that asshole dick dale stole this song from the guitar riffs of get drunk and be somebody, by toby keith. the chordal progresiun and melodic evolutiun is all the same, you can just tell that this dick dale dickhole, or dick dalehole as i like to call him, created a song ripped off of one of toby keiths numerus masterpieces. too bad dick dalehole is gonna go straight to hell for this trechery.
XCNinja: So, do you enjoy having the IQ of a shovel?
lovemuffins88: so xcninja, do you enjoy being a smartass, you fag. maybe the intricasies of music are too much for you to understand, child. if only your’e level of nowlege was as deep as mine, you could understand the underlying relations of this song to toby keiths song. i guess its just too deep for you though. nice try. fag.
XCNinja: I didn’t know that people could be this ignorant of logic. Honestly, I can’t come up with an argument to use on you, because you’re obviously beyond any sane and reasonable discussion of why you’re wrong.
Heck, I don’t even like country music that much and I still don’t mind Toby Keith. The guy’s pretty clever. It’s just… Dick Dale can’t copy off of music that doesn’t exist yet. Just sayin’, is all.
axeboyunlimited12: wow muffins ur retarded this is 1963, get drunk and b sumbody was made way after this, freakin idiot
lenander: Dear lovemuffins88, you have simultaneously achieved all three physical states;
animal, vegetable and mineral. The only thing you need more than a music history lession is a spelling lesson…and to be watered once a week.
Now GO GET DRUNK AND BE SOMEBODY!
zodiacflash: Hmm… Let’s see here. Dick Dale recorded his version of this in the ’60s… Toby Keith was born in the ’60s… Yeah, you’re right! He DID rip it off from Toby Keith! Idiot.
lovemuffins88: as for you zodiacfag,toby was a prodigy. he was writin music almost in his mear infency, you dirty jew. dont try and fill this video with your dirty jew lies. just because you is going straight to hell doesnt mean the rest of us have to, you blasfemer. go die. fag. right now.
I swear I’m not making any of this up!!! If you really want to, go to the comments for this video and scroll through them until you find these (2 yrs old).
Best (Worst) Youtube Comments Ever
All right, so I found this gem of a conversation browsing on YouTube one night and it has been entering and exiting my inbox ever since with a unanimous vote of ‘hilarious’. lovemuffins88, every time I see another human, I secretly hope it’s not you. If it is you, you should be ashamed of yourself; please, do yourself a favor, and close your browser now before you find a way to fail even harder on the Internet.
From the comments to the video for the song “Misirlou”, which was made in 1963:
Heck, I don’t even like country music that much and I still don’t mind Toby Keith. The guy’s pretty clever. It’s just… Dick Dale can’t copy off of music that doesn’t exist yet. Just sayin’, is all.
animal, vegetable and mineral. The only thing you need more than a music history lession is a spelling lesson…and to be watered once a week.
Now GO GET DRUNK AND BE SOMEBODY!
I swear I’m not making any of this up!!! If you really want to, go to the comments for this video and scroll through them until you find these (2 yrs old).
- sf1
Filed under: Humor, Internet | Tagged: lovemuffins88, Misirlou, Toby Keith, Youtube, YouTube Comments | Leave a Comment »