From the Desk of the Honorable Congressman Jack P. Blowhard
Official C-SPAN Transcript
Good afternoon. The United States Postal Service has provided reliable mail delivery to Americans for hundreds of years, but now its mission is in jeopardy as a result of continuing budget problems. I am here today to propose a solution that will keep the Postal Service operational through Fiscal Year 2030, save $100 million in bailout funds needed in the event of a bankruptcy at USPS, as well as save thousands of lives.
How will we do it? By repurposing the perfectly good United States Postal Service into a disaster response team and rescue squad. They have already mastered the art of logistics. This bill scraps the current corporate structure of the Postal Service and turns it into an agency managed by the Department of Homeland Security. After all, who else is prepared to actually go to your home in the event of an emergency?
As part of this initiative, the USPS will also take control of the current E-911 system mandated for cell phone service providers by the FCC. Thus, the Postal Service will be transformed into a 21st-century solution to address our nation’s safety concerns while continuing to provide quality mail delivery service during regular business hours five to six days a week.
Through rain, through sleet, through snow, the U.S. Postal Service has been delivering the mail since stamps still had this yucky-tasting glue on them that you had to lick. Did you know that, interns? Thirty years ago, you would have been licking hundreds of stamps sitting at my desk. You kids got it easy these days. Can I get those two sentences struck from the record? Thanks.
Anyway, no matter the weather, no matter the time of year other than federal holidays and your mom’s birthday for some reason, the Postal Service is there for America. That is why Congress should entrust with them the responsibility for managing the communications backdrop and logistics for emergency services to the nation’s most vulnerable citizens. USPS will become a partner with FEMA and be the agency responsible for implementing the TSA’s expanded mission of protecting America’s trains and roadways. The War on Terror is a mission not yet completed, but the Postal Service was one of the first involved back in 2001, with the delivery of anthrax to the office of Former Senator Tom Daschle, an old colleague and current drinking buddy of mine. He’s a champ.
The Postal Service will work with local law enforcement agencies all across the country to determine the appropriate means for carrying out its security operations. In some places, that may simply mean arming the mailman with tasers to subdue the threats of pit bulls, German Shepherds, and Glenn Beck’s remaining audience. For others, the Postal Service may be equipped with helicopters, bulletproof vests, and submachine guns in order to better protect America.
This is a bipartisan solution that has been long in the works and is the result of years of brainstorming between myself, my colleagues on the Homeland Security Committee, representatives of various federal agencies, and a handful of highly-respected think tanks. Thank you all for your extremely hard work to make this bill a reality. You have helped to potentially save the jobs of millions of postal workers all across America and keep the agency operating indefinitely now that it has a mission beyond turning a profit. Together, we can build a bureaucratic Rube Goldberg machine that solves many problems all at once in the name of avoiding one politically disastrous decision.
Time? Okay. Thus, the Postal Service RESCUE Act of 2012 will modernize the USPS for a new, transparent, accountable world of streamlined mail delivery and rescue operations. I will now open it up to debate from the floor.